


Desperate

by Ninkasa



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-27
Updated: 2009-11-27
Packaged: 2017-10-03 20:45:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninkasa/pseuds/Ninkasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A late night visit sparks some revelations.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desperate

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for Trinity and The Siege.

There was a moment; a brief moment that would forever be frozen in time for Rodney that hit him like a thunderbolt. John standing there while Radek and Elizabeth tried to talk him out of the experiment. That demand of "are you sure?". Because it wasn't just Rodney's life that was at risk, John had taken a huge gamble as well.

So Rodney had said the only thing he could think of at that moment. "I won't let you down."

Because if there was one thing Rodney could not have stood it would have been the look of disappointment or mistrust in John's eyes.

There had been a quiet desperation in the other man's voice which Rodney later wondered at never having heard before. Because surely this wasn't a new trend.

There had always been an intensity of emotion between them. There was no one on this mission whom he trusted more. No one who's respect or faith he wanted more. And Rodney rather prided himself on the fact that there seemed to be no one who could get a response out of Sheppard as quickly as he could.

So, yes, there had always been an intensity of emotion.

Rodney just didn't remember it ever being so potent or measurable.

He didn't think it had ever been that desperate before.

And this was something that would merit a closer inspection once he was trying not to get them both killed.

Or it would have done had the mission succeeded.

Instead Rodney found himself blurting out everything he should have said in private in the middle of a hallway because John had been pointedly avoiding him. And still there were things he would have said in private had the mission gone differently that he could not say in the middle of a hallway no matter what had happened on the mission.

He'd resorted back to John's rank in the last minute although he wasn't sure why he'd done it because he didn't recall ever having called Sheppard by anything other than his name since John had sat in that damned chair in Antarctica.

But there had suddenly been this gap between them that Rodney knew hadn't been there before. So it had come as something of a relief when John had said he believed Rodney could regain his trust.

At least he knew they weren't completely destroyed.

Unlike that solar system.

****

Rodney could pinpoint the exact moment he'd realized that this friendship he and Sheppard had been working on had gone pear-shaped. From his point of view at least.

That moment when he'd realized Sheppard was in the Jumper on that suicide mission to stop the Wraith hive ship. He had suddenly felt as if his world had constricted and dimmed and he found himself blurting out "you let Sheppard fly the Jumper" to Weir.

As if she was supposed to prevent such a thing from happening.

She'd stared at him for a moment as his reality had slammed home like a truck.

He did notice that after everything had gone back to normal. . .or what passed for normal, anyway –that she seemed to watch him and Sheppard more than she usually did.

Which Rodney suspected was why she'd agreed to let him try again with the power source with the condition that Sheppard go along with him.

****

It took a moment for it to register to Rodney that the noise he was hearing was actually someone repeatedly tapping on the door.

He considered ignoring it for a moment and in that moment the tapping turned into a banging followed by, "McKay!"

Sheppard.

Rodney pulled himself into sitting position. He wasn't sure what time it was, but he knew it was ridiculously late.

Late enough that whatever it was that had brought John to his room had to be important. Late night visits were rarely social calls.

Rodney went to the door and opened it, hoping he didn't look as confused as he felt.

For a moment John looked startled, like he hadn't expected Rodney to open the door.

Which made Rodney wonder why he had.

"Can I come in?"

He considered saying no. That part of him that was still reeling from everything that had happened demanded he say no.

But that part of him that had panicked when he'd realized Sheppard was in that Jumper outranked that other part and he found himself stepping back to let the other man into the room.

"I just have a question," John said as the door slid shut behind him. He stepped forward until Rodney had to step back in order to see him properly.

He seemed to be expecting a response, so after a moment Rodney said, "which is?"

"Would you have stopped if I hadn't been there?"

Rodney frowned for a moment. He considered lying. But he suspected that doing so would only have made their current situation more awkward.

"Probably not."

It was the honest truth and really, there was no reason why Sheppard should read anything into that. Really. He would have stopped if it had been Teyla or Ronon there as well.

Well, no, he would have rolled his eyes at them and carried on. But they wouldn't have been able to make the argument as well as Sheppard had about why he should stop.

He considered saying this, but suspected Sheppard already knew this.

Unexpected visits in the middle of the night were usually the result of epiphanies of some sort or another.

Rodney was considering this and wondering exactly what to say when Sheppard grabbed him – rather roughly – by the front of his shirt and pulled him into a kiss that left Rodney feeling a bit dizzy, rather violated and ridiculously weak at the knees.

John pulled back suddenly, causing Rodney to sway slightly because really his knees weren't working anymore.

Rodney blinked at him, licked his lips and found himself for the first time unable to think of something to say. Or even to speak. Well, actually, it was the second or third time since John had come into the room a minute ago, but these were extenuating circumstances.

After a moment where they stood and stared at each other like cats, John spoke so quietly Rodney almost didn't hear him.

"I volunteered to go along. Just the two of us. It was my condition. Not Weir's."

Oh.

Rodney opened his mouth, but John ploughed ahead.

"We need to talk," he said. "And by 'we need to talk' I mean I need to talk and you need to listen and then you can talk and then we should probably talk to each other."

Why did that sound rehearsed?

Rodney shut his mouth quickly and after a moment nodded.

"Alright." He gestured back towards the bed behind them.

"We should probably sit down. It could be a long night."


End file.
